Are you in line with current investment procedure?

'WHEN I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in a rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."That quote, from Alice Through the Looking Glass, has to be one of my favourites.

'WHEN I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in a rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."

That quote, from Alice Through the Looking Glass, has to be one of my favourites. I think of it just about every time I read press releases from local authorities, the NHS, large corporations - any number of powerful organisations.

And it sprung to mind when I came across this sentence in a press statement from Anglian Water, answering my queries about North Walsham's flooding problems:

'If any further works are identified we will put them forward for remedial action in line with our current investment procedure.'

Now what, exactly, does that mean? Does it say they will spend money putting things right if they find anything wrong? Nope - merely that they will 'put them forward' for action.

And what on earth does 'in line with our current investment procedure,' mean?

Is AW saying it is investing, or plans to invest, in North Walsham? Nope - it's a slippery, vague little phrase which I just can't pin down. Would any of you care to decipher it for me?

�On the subject of words and their modern usage, let me tell you about an email I got from a north Norfolk care home before Christmas.

They asked if I'd come and take a picture of their 'service users' who had packed shoeboxes with gifts for needy children. I imagine they were referring to their elderly residents.

And a while back I passed the Big Lottery machine in Sainsbury's which had a message on it from Camelot, apologising that it wasn't working due to a 'network communications issue'.

To borrow a Little Britain catchphrase, I think that's a verbose way of saying: 'Computer says 'no''.